I am not one for longing for things, or something, and I find it unlikely that I ever long for a person unless I am permitted to-- per-say a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
Point is that I am more often bored that I am lonely, bored rather than sad or upset, I guess I don't experience many emotions, and when I do they are often huge rushes of feelings rather than small ones, I am used the the big feelings of Laughter, Fun, Anger, and Devastation. It's the small feelings that hurt more than the big ones I find. See small things can get into the cracks of a person and I find them hard to keep out. When I was in a relationship, I got big feelings of adoration, contentment and love. When I was in a relationship I didn't think that there was going to be and emotional debris after this long time of being single, the small feelings have been getting smaller, but now they are as small as needles, and they know exactly where to hit to make my heart ache. This is not a "I-Miss-My-Ex" thing(believe me its NOT), I don't miss that one at all. No, this is just the small things I miss, the tiny reassurances that one could gain from a small look or touch, the wave of affection that came from a brief kiss goodbye. I don't feel starved, that's not what this is, its contained currently, thankfully. I keep myself busy, don't dwell on it except for today when I write this, hopefully getting it out will make it less of a problem for me... I remember before I get into a relationship that when would read fan-fictions, the characters would often talk about the scent/smell of their crush or significant other, and before my relationship I didn't know that that met, I thought it was just for word count or a word fetish thing, not entirely sure because I kinda just read over those moments, I didn't really think much of them honestly. Now I am not with anyone I always read those bits and savor them, oddly they mean a lot to me now even though I don't get the luxury of a comforting smell,a smell of home and trustworthiness, someone I can go to, that sort of thing. I am not sore about being single though, I understand that clearly we were not supposed to be together and even if they did want to have another go, my motto- like my step dad before me, "If you let me go once, I won't come back a second time," as break up advice, not an exact quote by the way just a summary of what he told me about his relationships and how he dealt with people wanting to get back with him. I have no problem with waiting, for I am not looking so who am I to be impatient. I dress as I wish, which is much like an anime character wearing the same clothes everyday, I never try to make myself look particularity presentable above comfortable, for I would rather be comfortable than pretty honestly, I'll always clean up well though. The only time I wear makeup is when I am home a "bored" as it were, I do it to occupy myself and play around on a different canvas, it's better that I don't wear makeup often anyways as I do not want my acne to act up suddenly. Clear face is greater to Makeup. Not that my face is ever completely clear, but it has its days. In the end, I am neutral about being the lone wolf again. I try to make sure that I don't have that "pack mentality" that everyone seems to have, I give up on trying to maintain relationships and at this point, the rest can just fall out of place and I wont mind it. So while I am alone, I feel its better for me this way.
Comments
|
SaltI encounter dumb things so Ill try to put them up here for yo pleasure. Archives
February 2018
Categories
|