I feel as though I... became, a logical person. I have given up many thing these past few months, the need for human comfort, socialization, the social construct of looking presentable(unless asked), needing praise, the need to find a suitable mate, emotional responses rather I go by instinct, I am more loose lipped, I have stopped stopping myself from getting lost in my murky mind, as well as I have given up that "Pack Mentality" that humans have. I forced myself to be ruled by my mind and pushed my heart aside, yes, it is useful for crafting emotions so few are suspect of you to which I have to let my heart breath sometimes so I may utilize it when it is needed. The cause of this is no one thing, all things really it is everyone's fault simultaneously as well as no ones fault. I have been told before my mind took over that I am "manipulative," "dishonest," and, on the rare occasion, "cold," I personally don't find any of these traits to be bad at all, if anything they would be useful to me. I feel as though, now that my mind is more in control than my emotions and heart, I am still all of these things, but now I am waiting to spring those skills on a person or thing. So in a sense, I just became more calculated and dangerous. See, leaving a person with their thoughts, means you leave them with little to nil to cling onto and leave them deficient in human socialization, kinda like if you haven't eaten for a few days, which I have done before, but there are certain needs that can convert I find. With my mom gone to work so often now and the lack of privacy that my mom and I have over the weekend I am down yet another person to talk to, no surprise I guess. I have two people to talk to who I actually enjoy talking too, someone in my art class, and a kid on the internet. I even sometimes don't talk to either of these people during the day, I may just not being the mood to talk, while the other just doesn't message me so we don't talk. For my own safety I don't consider either of these people "friends" That Pack Mentality is a dangerous thing in itself I find. One, with this mentality will depend on people, and be surprised when those people let them down. Two, expecting to be protected by those who are close to us, well no more for me. I sort of impress myself with how I feel myself becoming more guarded, in the visual sense, I can feel my facial expression steeled, angry, it's not RBF anymore it's my protection it's natural, automatic, while it is conscious now. I maybe scare myself with how I feel feral, like everyone is the enemy, I am not prey nor am I a hunter, I don't feel like a scavenger as I don't go to the scraps, I don't quite know what I am in that sense as I am always guarded with a fierce face till need be to attack, I have yet to do so however. Maybe I am just a quietly pissed cat. Predator, but they only hunt to survive, and they wont attack unless you are either in their territory, or if you royally piss them off. Plus, if you see a huge cat, you know instantly you don't want to associate with something so quick, wild, and sharp toothed.
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SaltI encounter dumb things so Ill try to put them up here for yo pleasure. Archives
February 2018
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